The Fear of Letting Another Story Go

I told myself I’d finish by February. I didn’t. And now, I’m scared of what that means.

Today is February 28th.

And I swore to myself that I’d finish this massive round of editing Glowrot before the month ended. I told myself that if I could just do that, I’d have this book ready exactly when I want it. That was the one thing that mattered.

And yet… here I am. Chapter 18 out of 40.

It’s frustrating. It’s exhausting. It weighs on me.

Life happens. I know that. But if I’m being honest, a lot of it is on me. My brain has been everywhere. Some days have been great. Others have been horrible, horrible ones. And I’ve kept going, sure. And this book will be ready eventually, sure.

But the fear still lingers.

I’ve made some amazing changes, and I’ll make an entry about those later. But right now? I need to talk about the ugly parts of the process. The doubts. The exhaustion. The constant push and pull between wanting to finish Glowrot and feeling like my own mind is working against me.

The doubts, the mental health issues, the audhd that I’m battling half of the time and trying to understand the other half.

I’ve been writing for as long as I can remember, and I’ve abandoned more stories than I can count. And I know myself, if I don’t finish Glowrot quickly enough, what if this becomes one of them?

What if I lose the momentum? What if I let it slip through my fingers?

Again.

My brain runs on bursts, of energy, of obsession, of passion. It thrives on new, shiny things. And when that high fades, it is so, so, so hard to keep going. I have dropped so many projects right at the edge of completion because of this.

And I hate that about myself.

I also know I get caught up in weird superstitions, like this idea that “if I don’t do it by February, I won’t be able to do it at all.” I don’t know why my brain works like this.

But my therapist says I should stop asking why and start asking what now?

So… what now?

I open Chapter 18.

I edit as much as I can without breaking myself.

I try again tomorrow.

This process has been exhausting. Frustrating. Heavy.

But I don’t want to quit.

Not this time.

Not when my dream is so close.