I Finished My Horror Novel. Now I Feel Hollow

The emotional aftermath of finishing a horror novel

After years of writing, rewriting, doubting, obsessing, falling apart and coming back to it again: Glowrot is officially in my editor's hands. The developmental edits are done, the story grew and developed until it became what it was always meant to be.

It’s strange. I thought I’d feel more celebratory, or at least relieved. But the truth is, I feel a little hollow...

It's weird, I haven't fully grasped it yet, I think.

Like the story took something from me as it left. I don’t mean that in a dramatic way but Glowrot asked me to sit with a lot of really uncomfortable things. Obsession. Power. Identity. What it means to lose yourself on purpose. What it means to look back and not recognize the person you were.

It's hard to realize how autobiographical it is when I take a step back and look at it, how fucked up my life would be if I had continued down the path of becoming Bo.

The scariest parts of this book weren’t the monsters or the surreal horror. They were the quiet moments where my protagonist justifies something unforgivable. The places where I had to let her go too far, even if it was hard to stomach as a writer to even go that deep. Where I had to let her stop being sympathetic.

And now it’s done. She is what she is. The story is what it is.

I’m still processing that. But I also feel proud. Because I didn’t hold back. I wrote the book the story deserved, even when it made me so uncomfortable. Even when it made me look at parts of myself I didn’t like.

So what now?

I would love to say I'm waiting, taking a breath, and celebrating, but for those of you who know me, you know that's not very Beatrice behavior.

After finishing I immediately threw myself to conceptualizing the cover, which will be a whole post in itself. And I got it, I finally got it!

Now I'm going to start working on internal illustrations and when that's done, I’ll start getting everything ready for launch; including the posts I’ve been too scared to share.

But today, I just wanted to say: thank you for being here. For reading this. For seeing me.

I won’t lie, I’m terrified to share this book with the world. But I’m also so proud.

Glowrot is raw and unflinching and weird and full of rot and light and longing.

And it’s almost time.